Heart jokes ❤️ in 2025

My doctor told me I have an enlarged heart.
– I guess that’s what I get for learning the true meaning of Christmas.

Dr. In Heaven (Long)
– A world famous heart surgeon had a massive heart attack and suddenly found himself in heaven. He was met at the pearly gates by St. Peter and was warmly welcomed.
After touring heaven he noticed that for every thing in heaven, there was a long line of people waiting to get in. Movies-line, bathroom-line, bar-line. There was a line for everything!
The Dr. suddenly felt a little hungry and went to a fast-food hamburger place at which there was of course, a line.
So, he got in line and waited, and waited, and waited as the line moved slowly forward.
Finally, the surgeon made it to the front of the line, and just as he started to give his order, he heard someone behind him saying “excuse me, coming through, pardon me, excuse me” as a man wearing a dirty old lab coat and a stethoscope around his neck pushed past the surgeon and began giving his order.
The surgeon was livid! He shouted “I’m a famous heart surgeon, I’ve saved countless lives, I’ve stood in this stupid line for hours just so this nimrod can cut in front of me?”
The man behind him him whispered
“That’s just God. He likes to think he’s a doctor”.

What does the man call his girlfriend whom he met on Twitter?
– Tweetheart.

What would you call a bad date with a cardiologist?
– A heart time.

A cardiac specialist died and at his funeral the coffin was placed in front of a huge mock up of a heart made up of flowers. When the pastor finished with the sermon and eulogy, and after everyone said their good-byes, the heart opened, the coffin rolled inside and the heart closed.
– Just then one of the mourners burst into laughter.
The guy next to him asked: “Why are you laughing?”
“I was thinking about my own funeral” the man replied.
“What’s so funny about that?”
“I’m a gynecologist.”

Did you boys ever hear of the planet where the inhabitants were mobile flowers?
– Remarkably similar to Earthly blossoms, but they had feet and human intelligence.

The whole planet was ruled by a king called Richard the Artichoke-Heart, and one day at a court orgy his eye was caught by Fuchsia, a pale-eyed perennial. Her beauty was so great it almost made up for her stupidity.

Refusing to believe the ancient principle that beauty times brains equals a constant, the smitten monarch engaged royal tutors of all sorts for Fuchsia, from Mathematicians, to Scientists, to Historians, but to no avail. All failed to engage the attention of the witless concubine, whose only apparent interest was in gathering pollen. At last, the embarrassed Richard gave up and had Rotenone slipped into her soup.

As he exclaimed to his prime minister later that night,
“I can lead a horticulture, but I can’t make her think!”

Why did they put the boy’s girlfriend in jail?
– Because she stole his heart.

What was the main ingredient of junk food at the stall in the fair?
– Heart disease.

When the cardiology said that the patient required an emergency heart surgery, what did the patient reply?
– I’ll bypass my heart problems.

Use “TOMATOES” to win a girl’s heart?
– I love you from my head TOMATOES.

How do you kill a vampire with high cholesterol?
– By driving a steak through his heart.

What praise did the cardiologist get for keeping all her patient’s names in alphabetical order?
– He was very organ-ized.

What did the Italian chef say to his girlfriend on Valentine’s Day?
– You will always have a pizza my heart.

Why is Kim Jong Un heartless?
– Because he has no Seoul.

What did the drum say to the drumstick?
– My heart beats for you.

Why should you remember to take the candles off your cake before you eat it?
– You might get heartburn.

So they say you can get a heart transplant from a pig now
– Call me a Guinea pig doc’

A man loses his hat and decides the easiest way to get another one is to steal it.
– He goes to the church cloakroom to get a hat. A sermon about the Ten Commandments was going on. The man pauses to listen and then changes his mind. On nearing the exit, he runs into the pastor.

He says, “I came here with sin in my heart. I must say, you saved me from crime.”

The pastor replies, “That’s nice to hear. What sin were you about to commit?”

The man replies, “I came here to steal a hat, but your sermon made me change my mind.”

The priest says, “May I know what part of my sermon made you see the error of your ways?”

The man replies, “When you reached the ‘Thou shalt not commit adultery’ part, I suddenly remembered where I left my hat.”