Heart jokes ❤️ in 2025

When do you know you are ready for the game?
– The moment when your heart is pumped up.

What was the doctor feeling before entering the operation theatre?
– Immense stent-tion.

An 88-year old man came to the hospital and said to the doctor, “Doctor, my 18 year old wife is pregnant with my child.”
– An 88-year old man came to the hospital and said to the doctor, “Doctor, my 18 year old wife is pregnant with my child.”
The doctor paused and said, “There was a master bear shooter in a village. He never missed a shot.

But one day he was in a hurry, and took his umbrella instead of his rifle by mistake.

When he encountered a bear, he still didn’t realize his mistake and pointed the umbrella and shot the bear.

The bear lay dead with a bullet in his heart!”

The old man said, “That’s stupid! The bullet must have been shot by another person.”

“That’s exactly right,” said the doctor.

It’s true. A lot of people are only after me for my body
– Kidneys, liver, heart and lungs.

What did the drum say to the other drum on Valentine’s Day?
– My heart beats for you.

Why was Freddy called the heartthrob?
– He had frequent palpitations.

What did the mushroom say to its girlfriend on Valentine’s Day?
– I have so mushroom for you in my heart.

A man gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting. (NSFW)
– “What’s up?” he says.

“I’m having a heart attack,” cries the woman.

He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he’s dialing, his four-year-old son comes up and says, “Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted’s hiding in your closet and he’s got no clothes on!”

The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, walks past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closet floor.

“What are you doing!” says the husband. “My wife’s having a heart attack and you’re running around naked scaring the kids!”

A British doctor says: “In Britain, medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man’s liver, put it in another man, and in 6 weeks, he was looking for a job.”
– The German doctor replies: “That’s nothing. In Germany, we took part of a brain, put it in another man, and in 4 weeks he was looking for a job.”

The Russian doctor replies: “Well, we took half a heart from a man, put it in another’s chest, and in 2 weeks he was looking for a job.”

The American doctor laughs: “You are all behind us. A few years ago, we took a man with no brain, no heart, and no liver, and made him President. Now, the whole country is looking for a job!”

How did Gina know that she wanted to be a cardiologist?
– She always followed her heart.

The heart and soul of a chef
– A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer and dinner. After a few bites of his meal, he calls the bartender over. “Normally the food here is great,” the guys says. “But tonight it is really cold and bitter.” “Sorry about that. My wife is doing the cooking tonight,” the bartender says. “She’s really putting all of her heart and soul into it.”

How to easily reach a woman’s heart?
– By being a cardiac surgeon

What do you call two birds in love?
– Tweethearts.

What is the heart’s favorite shade of red?
– It’s beat-red.

Why did the shy doctor call his wife a thoracic cavity?
– Because she kept his heart.

I have done some research, and discovered what food you are most likely to die of a heart attack.
– “Caesar Salad.”

[OC.]

So this woman had some heart troubles….
– She went to see her doctor who prescribed testosterone.

About a month later she returns for a checkup. Doctor asks her how she’s been. She says: “Fine, but I have some unexpected hairgrowth in unusual places.”
Doc says: “really? Like where?”

She says: “at my balls”…

Why did the pig give his girlfriend a heart shaped box of candy?
– It was Valenswine’s Day.