Heart jokes ❤️ in 2025

Since COVID-19, I have the body of a 50 year old, the brain of a 40 year old and the heart of a 25 year old.
– All tucked away nicely in my freezer!

Why did the pig have a heart attack?
– It had too much bacon.

What did the locksmith tell his girlfriend on Valentine’s day?
– You have the key to my heart.

On a plane is full of Redditors, a man starts having a heart attack.
– One of the flight attendants notices this and quickly shouts: “People of the plane, we’re having an emergency! Is anyone on this plane a doctor?”

Immediately, five people stand up and say
“I’m not a doctor, but…

What do you call a black guy having a heart attack?
– An ambulance.

What happened to the cardiologist who wanted to become an actor?
– It was all in vein.

I told my hypoxemic patient that his blood started entering the deoxygenated chambers of his heart.
– I said it was all RIGHT.

I caught my little brother…
– After a terrible shipwreck, a man found himself alone on an island. He went about the island in search of food and shelter. After a long walk, the man froze in terror as he saw a tribe of cannibals in the middle of a celebration.

The man thought to himself, “I am so screwed!” To his surprise, a bright light came from the heavens and a deep voice said to him “Not yet my son, listen very carefully: what you have to do is run up to the chief of the tribe, kick him in the nuts, and take his spear. As soon as you take his spear, kill his only son with it.”

Without thinking twice, the man does as he was told. As he put the spear through the young cannibal’s heart the bright light appeared again and the deep voice said to him,

“Okay, now you are screwed.”

Why didn’t the skeleton want to send any Valentine’s Day cards?
– His heart wasn’t in it.

When do you know you are ready for the game?
– The moment when your heart is pumped up.

What was the doctor feeling before entering the operation theatre?
– Immense stent-tion.

An 88-year old man came to the hospital and said to the doctor, “Doctor, my 18 year old wife is pregnant with my child.”
– An 88-year old man came to the hospital and said to the doctor, “Doctor, my 18 year old wife is pregnant with my child.”
The doctor paused and said, “There was a master bear shooter in a village. He never missed a shot.

But one day he was in a hurry, and took his umbrella instead of his rifle by mistake.

When he encountered a bear, he still didn’t realize his mistake and pointed the umbrella and shot the bear.

The bear lay dead with a bullet in his heart!”

The old man said, “That’s stupid! The bullet must have been shot by another person.”

“That’s exactly right,” said the doctor.

It’s true. A lot of people are only after me for my body
– Kidneys, liver, heart and lungs.

What did the drum say to the other drum on Valentine’s Day?
– My heart beats for you.

Why was Freddy called the heartthrob?
– He had frequent palpitations.

What did the mushroom say to its girlfriend on Valentine’s Day?
– I have so mushroom for you in my heart.

A man gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting. (NSFW)
– “What’s up?” he says.

“I’m having a heart attack,” cries the woman.

He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he’s dialing, his four-year-old son comes up and says, “Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted’s hiding in your closet and he’s got no clothes on!”

The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, walks past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closet floor.

“What are you doing!” says the husband. “My wife’s having a heart attack and you’re running around naked scaring the kids!”

A British doctor says: “In Britain, medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man’s liver, put it in another man, and in 6 weeks, he was looking for a job.”
– The German doctor replies: “That’s nothing. In Germany, we took part of a brain, put it in another man, and in 4 weeks he was looking for a job.”

The Russian doctor replies: “Well, we took half a heart from a man, put it in another’s chest, and in 2 weeks he was looking for a job.”

The American doctor laughs: “You are all behind us. A few years ago, we took a man with no brain, no heart, and no liver, and made him President. Now, the whole country is looking for a job!”