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Glasses jokes 👓 in 2025

Why don’t they let you wear glasses in football?
– Because it’s a contact sport.

Did you know that putting ketchup on your glasses makes you see better
– It’s because Heinz-sight is 20 20

A man gets pulled over by a cop…
And he takes the man’s driver’s license. He reads it and looks back at the driver.

“It says here that you need corrective lenses”, the cop said. “Where are your glasses?”

The man replies, “But officer, I have contacts.”

The cop glares at him. “I don’t care who you know.”

Told a girl she looks better without her glasses on.
– She said I also look better without her glasses on.

Guess who I bumped into on my way to get my glasses fixed?
– Everybody.

What the difference between glasses and a girl with glasses?
:glasses seem to sit a bit higher on my face

Man walks into Bar with a Dog …
– Man walks into Bar with a Dog and orders 2 Glasses of Whiskey.

He & his Dog empty the Glasses.

Girl behind the Bar is surprised and asks – Can your Dog perform any other tricks?

Man-Yes, He can fully satisfy a Woman.

Girl is too curious.. Deciding that she’ll test the dog, she undresses and lies in full expectation.

Dog looks at her and does nothing….

Man to Dog: It’s always the same with you, now this is the last time I am showing you how to do it..

My grandmother is 80 and still doesn’t need glasses
– She drinks out of the bottle…

Irish Confession
Murphy goes into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church.
He pulls aside the curtain, enters and sits himself down.
There’s a fully equipped bar with crystal glasses, the best vestry wine, Guinness on tap, cigars and liqueur chocolates nearby.
And on the wall a fine photographic display of various women who appear to have misplaced their garments.
He hears a priest come in. Father, forgive I think its been a while since I’ve been to confession and to be sure I must say that the confessional box is much better than it used to be.
The priest replies, Get out, you idiot. You’re on my side!

I asked my son what he wants me to get him for Christmas…

He said, “Google Glasses!”

I said, “OK, and I already know what glasses are!”

I have to have glasses just to see my family.
– Specifically 2 glasses… of Scotch.

Guess who I ran into when I went to get my glasses.
– Everybody

Why would a phone need glasses?
– When it’s lost its contacts.

This past week I made a couple of bucks selling fake eclipse glasses.
– I’m not to worried though, those suckers will never see me again.

There is a sign at the bar that says no glasses in the bathroom
– That’s really going to mess up my aim…

Why did the cell phone need glasses?
– Because it ran out of contacts.

Son is asking his dad for money to buy new glasses
Son: Dad my glasses broke i need new one

Dad: Get a job and buy them yourself. What do i look like, a bank?

Son: I don’t know i can’t f*cking see!

To the person who stole my glasses.
– I will find you, I have contacts.

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