Glasses jokes 👓 in 2025

How do nudists clean their glasses?
– Very genitally.

Steven Hawking came back from his first date in 10 years. His Glasses were smashed, he had a broken wrist, twisted ankle and grazed knees.
– Apparently she stood him up.

I need glasses to see my family.
– In particular, two glasses of Scotch.

How do you know carrots are good for your eyes?
– Because you never see rabbits wearing glasses.

A man who is riddled with guilt confesses in a sms message to his next-door neighbor.
A man who is riddled with guilt confesses in a sms message to his next-door neighbor.

Dear neighbor, I’m sorry. I’ve been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been helping myself to your wife for some time now. It’s been so good I have not been able to stop myself. Sometimes it’s just a quickie, but at other times it can last an hour or two or even till mid-night. I know it’s no excuse but I just don’t get it as good at home. I can’t live with the guilt any longer. I hope you’ll accept my sincerest apology. It won’t happen ever again.

Feeling outraged and betrayed, the neighbor smashes his phone on the wall, glares at his wife and starts smashing everything they own, the TV, the china, the glasses…he is on a rampage. A few minutes later the man send another sms message:

Ducking auto-correct. I meant to say wifi.

Why don’t any American football players wear glasses?
– Because it is a contact sport!

After his wife passed away, he stopped wearing his glasses. His sister saw him and exclaimed: Aww it must be so hard for you, nothing is worth seeing anymore after she’s gone?
He said: What? No, I sold her jewelry and paid for a Lasik surgery.

My earliest childhood memory is visiting the eye doctor and getting my glasses.
– Life before that was a blur.

Why did the the programmer have glasses
So that he could c#
(C sharp)

An old snake
“Doc, I need something for my eyes…can’t see well these days”. The Doc fixes him up with a pair of glasses and tells him to return in 2 weeks.

The snake comes back in 2 weeks and tells the doctor he’s very depressed.

Doc says, “What’s the problem…didn’t the glasses help you?”

“The glasses are fine, doc. I just discovered I’ve been living with a water hose the past 2 years!”

An infinite amount of mathematicians walk into a bar
The first says, I’ll have a beer. The second says, I’ll have half a beer. The third says, I’ll have a quarter of a beer. Before anyone else can speak, the barman fills up exactly two glasses of beer and serves them. Come on, now, he says to the group, You guys have got to learn your limits.

A man walks into a bar
He sits down and asks the bartender: “Can I have 8 beer please?”

The man gets his 8 beers, he starts to drink and doesn’t stop untill all 8 glasses are empty.

Now he asks: “Can I please have 6 more beers?”

The man gets his 6 beers, he starts to drink and doesn’t stop untill all 6 glasses are empty.

He looks at the bartender and asks: “Can I please have 3 more?”

The man gets his 3 beers, he starts to drink and doesn’t stop untill all 3 glasses are empty.

The man frowns and says: “I don’t get it… The less I drink, the more drunk I get…”

Why should you always wear glasses when doing math?
– It helps with division.

What do you call a German scientist who runs out of beer glasses?
– Nein Stein

My sister-in-law sat on my glasses and broke them.
– It was my own fault. I should have taken them off.

We were eating dinner tonight, when my daughter said to me, I see your glass is empty. Would you like another one?
I said, Why would I want two empty glasses?

You should respect people who wear glasses.
– They paid money to see you.

What do you call a dinosaur that needs glasses?
– A Douthinkhesaurus