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Glasses jokes 👓 in 2025

I went to the Optometrists to buy some glasses the other day, you’ll never guess who I ran into…
– Everyone.

I’m very conflicted by eye tests.
I want to get the answers right.
….but I really want to win the glasses.

My daughter woke me around 11:50 last night.
“Daddy,” she whispered, tugging my shirt sleeve.

“Guess how old I’m going to be next month.”

“I don’t know, beauty,” I said as I slipped on my glasses.
“How old?”

She smiled and held up four fingers.

It is 7:30 now. My wife and I have been up with her for almost 8 hours.
She still refuses to tell us where she got them.

Why do you never see a phone wearing glasses?
– Because they have contacts.

Today I turned 50 years old and I still don’t need glasses…
– I drink straight out of the bottle.

“Doctor I think I need glasses!”
“You certainly do Sir, this is the butchers.”

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first says, “I’ll have a beer.” The second says, “I’ll have half a beer.” The third says, “I’ll have a quarter of a beer.” And so on.
The bartender hands them two glasses of beer and says, “You guys need to know your limits.”

So my husband told me I look better without my glasses
– I said, thanks, you look better without my glasses too

Glasses just for looks
– I wear my glasses just for looks. I can’t look at anything without them

My sister sat on my glasses and broke them…
– I suppose it’s my fault for not taking them off first

Guess who I bumped into on my way to get my glasses fixed ?
– Everybody

People say I look better without glasses.
– But I just can’t see it.

My plan for tomorrow is to get some new glasses
– After that I guess I’ll just see what happens

Why do java coders wear glasses?
– Because they don’t C#

This past week I made a couple bucks selling fake eclipse glasses
– I’m not to worried though, those suckers will never see me again.

Gf: what are your plans for today?
Me: a friend and I are going out to buy glasses

Gf: and after that?

Me: I guess we’ll see

After returning from the eye doctor, my dad started chugging milk straight from the carton.
– When asked why, he said, “The doctor told me I don’t need glasses.”

At my age I can no longer function without my glasses.
– Especially when they are empty.

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