Glasses jokes 👓 in 2025

I asked Dad how he plans to spend the day. He said, “first, Mom and I will go pick up our prescription glasses”
– “And then we’ll see.”

Hey Dad, have you seen my sunglasses?
– No son, have you seen my dad glasses?

If a woman drinks two glasses of wine a day, it increases the chances of a stroke by 50%
– Let her finish the bottle and she’ll probably suck it as well.

Has COVID-19 caused you to wear a mask and glasses at the same time?
– You may be entitled to condensation.

Why do programmers wear glasses?
– Because they can’t C#.

A guy in my glass has a habit of breaking my glasses
His name is Dwayne, and I hate him. I have really bad eyesight, so without my glasses it’s basically impossible for me to see anything, and it was negatively affecting my grades.

Dwayne broke my first pair when I left them on my desk and he “accidentally” sat on them.

He broke my second pair when he slapped my in the face because he was “swatting a fly”.

He broke my third pair when he threw a ball at my face during recess.

He broke my fourth pair when he snapped them in half because he wanted to “test their durability”.

Eventually I complained, and Dwayne was moved to another school. I haven’t had problems with my eyesight since.

I can see clearly now, Dwayne is gone.

Two guys were walking their dogs….
– Two guys were walking their dogs-one had a German Shepherd and the other had a Chihuahua. The man with the Shepherd suggested going into a bar for a drink. The other man says, “They’re not going to let dogs into the bar.” And the first guy says, “No? Watch this.” So he puts on some dark glasses, acts like the German Shepherd is a seeing-eye dog, walks into the bar and orders a drink. And no one says anything. So the second guy takes out some dark glasses, slips them on, and walks his Chihuahua into the bar. The bartender says, “Sorry-we don’t allow dogs in here.” And the man says, “It’s okay-it’s my seeing-eye dog.” The bartender laughs and says, “This Chihuahua is your seeing-eye dog?” And the guy says, “They gave me a Chihuahua?”

I need glasses to see my family
– Specifically, two glasses of scotch.

What do you call a potato with glasses?
– A spec-tater.

Glasses wearers are less likely to get Covid-19…
– I guess you could say we have nerd immunity.

A man wanted to teach his sons the evils of alcohol
So he takes out two glasses. Fills one with bourbon and one with water.

He puts A worm in the bourbon and a worm in the water. Worm in the water lives, worm in the bourbon dies.

He turns to his son and say “now what does that teach you about the evils of alcohol?”

His son thought about it for a second and says “well if I drink bourbon I won’t get worms”

-my dad tells this one to at least one person every time he goes into a liquor store-

Joyriding in a Lamborghini
*joyriding in a Lamborghini*

HER: No way this thing does 150
ME: Only one way to find out *puts on glasses*

*pulls over and checks Wikipedia*

My son asked: “Dad, have you seen my sunglasses?”
– I replied: “No son, have you seen my dad glasses?”

Glasses
– A man walks into the opticians and asks if they can make him a new pair of glasses. the optician looks up the man’s records and says, “We only made your glasses two months ago, how did they break.?” the man said, “They broke while I was kissing my girlfriend,” The optician said, “How can you break your glasses kissing your girlfriend.?” the man said, “She closed her legs”.

The man says to the bartender…
“Gimme twelve shots of your finest whiskey, and fast!”
The bartender lines up a dozen shot glasses and as he fills them, the man starts to down them one after the other.
Shocked, the bartender asks, “What’s the hurry, buddy?”
Between shots, the man replies, “You’d drink fast too, if you had what I’ve got.”
Concerned, the bartender asks kindly, “What have you got, brother?”
The man downs the last shot and puts all his money on the table. “Fifty cents!”

A programmer puts two glasses on his bedside table before going to sleep.
– One full of water in case he gets thirsty and an empty one in case he doesn’t.

Jesus walks into a bar
12 glasses of water please
*winks at his disciples*

My girlfriend asked if I liked her new glasses.
– “It’s quite a spectacle.”