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Glasses jokes 👓 in 2024

You should respect people who wear glasses.
– They paid money to see you.

What do you call a dinosaur that needs glasses?
– A Douthinkhesaurus

I told my wife she was prettier when she didn’t wear glasses
– She said “So are you”

My grandpa is 95 years old, and he doesn’t even use glasses.
– He drinks straight from the bottle.

My grandfather turned 90 today, but he still doesn’t need glasses.
– He drinks straight from the bottle.

I have found a solution my glasses fogging up from wearing a mask
– I wear a monocle, they only fog up half as much.

What do you call a potato wearing glasses?
– A spectator.

Never hit a man with glasses
– Fists are just more efficient

I need glasses so I can see my family.
– Specifically, 3 glasses of scotch.

To save money I made myself a pair of glasses out of 2 old ketchup bottles.
– In Heinz-sight I should have just bought a proper pair.

What did ancient Greeks call a pair of glasses?
– Spectacles.

A young boy and his father are walking through a park when they see two dogs doing the dirty.

Boy: “Daddy, what are they doing?”
Dad: “Oh…uh…they’re just making a puppy.”
Later that night daddy and mommy put the boy to sleep and go off to their bedroom. After a couple glasses of wine they get at it. Suddenly the door opens and their son is standing at the foot of the bed.
Boy: “Daddy, what are you and mommy doing?”
Dad: “Oh…We’re just making a baby.”
Boy: “Well turn mommy over because I want a puppy.”

Stephen Hawking has his first date in a long time…
When he returned from the date, he had a twisted ankle, a broken wrist, his glasses were cracked and there was dirt all over his clothes.

Apparently she stood him up.

A circle walks into a bar…
– The bartender says, “another drink for everyone, on this guy!”
Everyone cheers and clinks their glasses.
The circle frowns, “what the hell are you doing man? Why’d you do that?”
The bartender says “you’re round!”

New glasses
“New glasses? They look super, man!”
Clark Kent begins to sweat.

Warning to the person who stole my glasses.
– I have contacts!

The only thing I have planned for today is to get my new glasses.
– Then I’ll see what happens.

I think I might need new glasses
I saw a cute girl at the mall far away from me so I went to her to ask for her number.

When I got close, he was uglier than I expected.

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