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Glasses jokes 👓 in 2025

This past week I made a couple of bucks selling fake eclipse glasses.
– I’m not to worried though, those suckers will never see me again.

There is a sign at the bar that says no glasses in the bathroom
– That’s really going to mess up my aim…

Why did the cell phone need glasses?
– Because it ran out of contacts.

Son is asking his dad for money to buy new glasses
Son: Dad my glasses broke i need new one

Dad: Get a job and buy them yourself. What do i look like, a bank?

Son: I don’t know i can’t f*cking see!

To the person who stole my glasses.
– I will find you, I have contacts.

You know, I’ve been wearing glasses for so long…
– It’s hard to see myself without them

Why was the cell phone wearing glasses?
– He had lost his contacts!

A patient walks into a doctor’s office…
…seeking a prescription, and he can’t help but notice that the doctor’s writing on his clipboard with a rectal thermometer.

Not wanting to be rude, the man speaks up politely, “Uh, doc’, not tryna’ be impolite, but you’re writing with a rectal thermometer.”

The doctor pulls up his glasses, looks at the thermometer and replies, “Ah, some asshole’s got my pen.”

Has COVID-19 got you wearing glasses and a mask at the same time?
You may be entitled to condensation.

EDIT (July 14, 2020 7:40PM PST): Um, wow. I did not expect the 2.9K likes, especially since I didn’t come up with it. Thanks for the support guys and y’all got me, I read it somewhere else and shared it.

I took my glasses off.
– I had seen enough.

How do nudists clean their glasses?
– Very genitally.

Steven Hawking came back from his first date in 10 years. His Glasses were smashed, he had a broken wrist, twisted ankle and grazed knees.
– Apparently she stood him up.

I need glasses to see my family.
– In particular, two glasses of Scotch.

How do you know carrots are good for your eyes?
– Because you never see rabbits wearing glasses.

A man who is riddled with guilt confesses in a sms message to his next-door neighbor.
A man who is riddled with guilt confesses in a sms message to his next-door neighbor.

Dear neighbor, I’m sorry. I’ve been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been helping myself to your wife for some time now. It’s been so good I have not been able to stop myself. Sometimes it’s just a quickie, but at other times it can last an hour or two or even till mid-night. I know it’s no excuse but I just don’t get it as good at home. I can’t live with the guilt any longer. I hope you’ll accept my sincerest apology. It won’t happen ever again.

Feeling outraged and betrayed, the neighbor smashes his phone on the wall, glares at his wife and starts smashing everything they own, the TV, the china, the glasses…he is on a rampage. A few minutes later the man send another sms message:

Ducking auto-correct. I meant to say wifi.

Why don’t any American football players wear glasses?
– Because it is a contact sport!

After his wife passed away, he stopped wearing his glasses. His sister saw him and exclaimed: Aww it must be so hard for you, nothing is worth seeing anymore after she’s gone?
He said: What? No, I sold her jewelry and paid for a Lasik surgery.

My earliest childhood memory is visiting the eye doctor and getting my glasses.
– Life before that was a blur.

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