Glasses jokes 👓 in 2025

Police stops a man and says, “You’re supposed to be wearing glasses”
Man: I have contacts.

Policeman: I don’t give a damn who you know.

What do you call a potato with glasses?
– A spec-tater.

Glasses wearers are less likely to get Covid-19…
– I guess you could say we have nerd immunity.

A man wanted to teach his sons the evils of alcohol
So he takes out two glasses. Fills one with bourbon and one with water.

He puts A worm in the bourbon and a worm in the water. Worm in the water lives, worm in the bourbon dies.

He turns to his son and say “now what does that teach you about the evils of alcohol?”

His son thought about it for a second and says “well if I drink bourbon I won’t get worms”

-my dad tells this one to at least one person every time he goes into a liquor store-

Joyriding in a Lamborghini
*joyriding in a Lamborghini*

HER: No way this thing does 150
ME: Only one way to find out *puts on glasses*

*pulls over and checks Wikipedia*

My son asked: “Dad, have you seen my sunglasses?”
– I replied: “No son, have you seen my dad glasses?”

Glasses
– A man walks into the opticians and asks if they can make him a new pair of glasses. the optician looks up the man’s records and says, “We only made your glasses two months ago, how did they break.?” the man said, “They broke while I was kissing my girlfriend,” The optician said, “How can you break your glasses kissing your girlfriend.?” the man said, “She closed her legs”.

The man says to the bartender…
“Gimme twelve shots of your finest whiskey, and fast!”
The bartender lines up a dozen shot glasses and as he fills them, the man starts to down them one after the other.
Shocked, the bartender asks, “What’s the hurry, buddy?”
Between shots, the man replies, “You’d drink fast too, if you had what I’ve got.”
Concerned, the bartender asks kindly, “What have you got, brother?”
The man downs the last shot and puts all his money on the table. “Fifty cents!”

A programmer puts two glasses on his bedside table before going to sleep.
– One full of water in case he gets thirsty and an empty one in case he doesn’t.

Jesus walks into a bar
12 glasses of water please
*winks at his disciples*

My girlfriend asked if I liked her new glasses.
– “It’s quite a spectacle.”

Widowed couple
– An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time. Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married.
Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work.
They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.
Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.
“How do you feel about making love?” he asked, rather tentatively.
“I would like it infrequently,” she replied.
The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, leaned over towards her and whispered: “Is that one word or two?”

Jesus walks into a bar with his disciples…
– “Thirteen glasses of water, please!”, Jesus said to the barman, winking at the others…

I told a girl, “you look great without glasses”
She said, “but I don’t wear glasses.”
I replied, while polishing my lenses, “yeah, but I do.”

Why don’t they let you wear glasses in football?
– Because it’s a contact sport.

Did you know that putting ketchup on your glasses makes you see better
– It’s because Heinz-sight is 20 20

A man gets pulled over by a cop…
And he takes the man’s driver’s license. He reads it and looks back at the driver.

“It says here that you need corrective lenses”, the cop said. “Where are your glasses?”

The man replies, “But officer, I have contacts.”

The cop glares at him. “I don’t care who you know.”

Told a girl she looks better without her glasses on.
– She said I also look better without her glasses on.