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Glasses jokes 👓 in 2025

Police stops a man and says, “You’re supposed to be wearing glasses”
Man: I have contacts.

Policeman: I don’t give a damn who you know.

Guess who I bumped into on my way to get my glasses fixed?
– Everybody.

What the difference between glasses and a girl with glasses?
:glasses seem to sit a bit higher on my face

Man walks into Bar with a Dog …
– Man walks into Bar with a Dog and orders 2 Glasses of Whiskey.

He & his Dog empty the Glasses.

Girl behind the Bar is surprised and asks – Can your Dog perform any other tricks?

Man-Yes, He can fully satisfy a Woman.

Girl is too curious.. Deciding that she’ll test the dog, she undresses and lies in full expectation.

Dog looks at her and does nothing….

Man to Dog: It’s always the same with you, now this is the last time I am showing you how to do it..

My grandmother is 80 and still doesn’t need glasses
– She drinks out of the bottle…

Irish Confession
Murphy goes into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church.
He pulls aside the curtain, enters and sits himself down.
There’s a fully equipped bar with crystal glasses, the best vestry wine, Guinness on tap, cigars and liqueur chocolates nearby.
And on the wall a fine photographic display of various women who appear to have misplaced their garments.
He hears a priest come in. Father, forgive I think its been a while since I’ve been to confession and to be sure I must say that the confessional box is much better than it used to be.
The priest replies, Get out, you idiot. You’re on my side!

I asked my son what he wants me to get him for Christmas…

He said, “Google Glasses!”

I said, “OK, and I already know what glasses are!”

I have to have glasses just to see my family.
– Specifically 2 glasses… of Scotch.

Guess who I ran into when I went to get my glasses.
– Everybody

Why would a phone need glasses?
– When it’s lost its contacts.

This past week I made a couple of bucks selling fake eclipse glasses.
– I’m not to worried though, those suckers will never see me again.

There is a sign at the bar that says no glasses in the bathroom
– That’s really going to mess up my aim…

Why did the cell phone need glasses?
– Because it ran out of contacts.

Son is asking his dad for money to buy new glasses
Son: Dad my glasses broke i need new one

Dad: Get a job and buy them yourself. What do i look like, a bank?

Son: I don’t know i can’t f*cking see!

To the person who stole my glasses.
– I will find you, I have contacts.

You know, I’ve been wearing glasses for so long…
– It’s hard to see myself without them

Why was the cell phone wearing glasses?
– He had lost his contacts!

A patient walks into a doctor’s office…
…seeking a prescription, and he can’t help but notice that the doctor’s writing on his clipboard with a rectal thermometer.

Not wanting to be rude, the man speaks up politely, “Uh, doc’, not tryna’ be impolite, but you’re writing with a rectal thermometer.”

The doctor pulls up his glasses, looks at the thermometer and replies, “Ah, some asshole’s got my pen.”

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