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Finance jokes 💰💸 in 2024

Who handles financial matters in a monastery?
– That’s nun of your business

P & L went to make an announcement…
– Well I guess it was less of an announcement and more of an income statement

What kind of reptile does PI work, and works in personal finance on the side?
– An investigator.

A woman proudly told her friend, “I’m responsible for making my husband a millionaire.” “Well what was he before he married you?” the friend asked. “A billionaire.”

What did the financially responsible student do to get good grades?
– They paid off their “principal”

Have you heard of car accident liquidity?
– It’s how quickly something can be converted into “crash”

What’s the best way to get in touch with your long-lost relatives?
– Win the lottery.

Money isn’t everything, but it certainly keeps you in touch with your children.

I bite all my quarters…
– Now I have a lot of bitcoin

Never trust a “Bernie” to manage your finances.
– The last one I knew Madoff with all my money.

In San Diego to work with military linguists, my colleague and I checked into a hotel and ordered a 5 a.m. wake-up call.

The next morning, the phone didn’t ring until 5:30.

“You were supposed to call us at 5 a.m.!” I admonished the desk clerk on the other end of the line.

“What if I had to close a ­million-dollar contract this morning? Your oversight would have cost me the deal!”

“Sir,” he said calmly, “if you had to close that type of deal, I doubt you’d be staying in this type of hotel.”

Why did the clown business go bankrupt after 5 years?
– They had a large balloon loan

Yo mama’s so intrinsic she compounds daily.
– All my finance majors are out there.

‘A little boy asked his father, “Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?”
– Father replied, “I don’t know son, I’m still paying.”’

What do you call really tall expenses?
– Overhead

Did you hear about the well-funded alphabet company?
– They had 26 sources of “capital”

I now know why I used to love Christmas as a child.
– I did not have to pay for the gifts!

Never lend money to a friend. It’s dangerous. It could damage his memory.

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