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Finance jokes 💰💸 in 2025

How did the Marine pay for food on his business trip?
– He used his carpe per diem

My finances are ok right now.
– 0K* sorry.

I was in small-claims court when I listened in on the case of a woman who held a good job but still had trouble paying her bills on time. “Can’t you live within your income?” asked the judge. “No, Your Honor,” she said. “It’s all I can do to live within my credit.”

Did you hear about all the shared expenses going to Hawaii?
– It was their allo-cation

Bill Gates has often claimed how hard it is to give away 100 billion dollars.
– Then he discovered divorce.

‘I’m normally not one to brag about my financial skills but my credit card company calls me almost every day to inform me my balance is outstanding!

Did you hear about the new superhero, Accounts Payable Woman?
– She had superhuman li-abilities

My jam business failed.
– My finances got spread too thin.

Why should you never count your money while standing on an ant hill?
– You might finance in your pants!

Why did the financial system collapse in ancient Egypt?
– Pyramid schemes.

What do you call an “inventory” of boats?
– Finished goods available for sail

An engineer major asks…
“How can we build this?”
A business major asks, “How can we finance this?”
– A liberal arts major asks, “Do you want fries with that?”

The teenager lost a contact lens while playing basketball in his driveway. After a brief, fruitless search, he gave up. His mother took up the cause and within minutes found the lens.

“How did you do that?” he asked.

“We weren’t looking for the same thing,” she explained. “You were looking for a small piece of plastic. I was looking for $150.”

How did the mortgage on the deserted island feel?
– A loan

I hear it’s a good time to buy real estate in Texas!
– The housing market is flooded.

I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.

What kind of debt did the secret agent issue?
– A bond, James Bond.

What do you get when you combine Finland and France?
– Finance.

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