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Doctor jokes 👨‍⚕️ in 2024

Patient: “Will this ointment clear up my spots?”
– Doctor: “I never make rash promises.”

A man goes to the doctors and says, “Doctor, I think I’m going deaf!”
And the doctor says, “Can you describe the symptoms?”
-The man responds, “Yes, Homer is fat and Marge has blue hair.”

Why did the mattress go to the doctor?
– It had spring fever.

Why did Santa’s helper see the doctor?
-He had low elf esteem.

A man goes into the doctor’s office and says, “Doctor, I’ve swallowed a watch. What should I do?”
-Take these pills,” says the doctor. “They should help you pass the time.

What did the doctor prescribe to the man who couldn’t stop breaking wind?
– A kite.

A doctor accidentally prescribes his patient a laxative instead of cough syrup. Three days later the patient comes for a check-up and the doctor asks,
-Well? Are you still coughing?” The patient replies, “No, I’m afraid to.”

Patient: “I’m starting to forget things, Doctor.”
-Doctor: “Since when have you had this condition?”
Patient: “What condition?”

Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
-Colin who?
Colin the doctor… I’m sick!

The doctor told his patient to stop using a Q-Tip
– but it went in one ear and out the other.

What’s the best place to hide from a doctor?
-The apple orchard.

Doctor: “I’ve got very bad news. You’ve got the flu and Alzheimer’s.
-Patient: “Well, at least I don’t have the flu.”

What don’t you want to hear in the middle of surgery?
– “Where’s my watch?”

Why did the witch go to the doctor?
– She had a dizzy spell

How did you find that doctor was fake?
– She had good handwriting.

Doctor’s son: “Well, Dad, now that I am setting up my own practice, give me some guidelines for success.”
-Doctor’s father: “Always write your prescriptions illegibly and your bills legibly.”

Patient: “Doctor, my son has swallowed a pen. What can I do?”
-Doctor: “Use a pencil until I come see him.”

What’s the difference between bird flu and swine flu?
-For one, you get treatment; for the other, you get oinkment.

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