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Doctor jokes 👨‍⚕️ in 2025

I went to the doctor this morning and said, “I’ve swallowed a golf ball.”
-The doctor said, “Yes, I can see it’s gone down a fairway.”

How many doctors does it take to screw in a lightbulb?.
-One to find a bulb specialist, one to find a bulb installation specialist, and one to bill it all to Medicare.

Doctor, I’m hearing a ringing sound?
-Then answer the phone.

Patient: “Doctor, doctor, I’m addicted to brake fluid.”
-Doctor: “Nonsense, man — you can stop anytime.”

Why did the library book go to the doctor?.
-It needed to be checked out.

Doctor, doctor, will I be able to play the violin after the operation?”
“Yes, of course.”
– Great! I never could before!

Where do sick boats go to get healthy?
-To the dock!

Patient: “Will this ointment clear up my spots?”
– Doctor: “I never make rash promises.”

A man goes to the doctors and says, “Doctor, I think I’m going deaf!”
And the doctor says, “Can you describe the symptoms?”
-The man responds, “Yes, Homer is fat and Marge has blue hair.”

Why did the mattress go to the doctor?
– It had spring fever.

Why did Santa’s helper see the doctor?
-He had low elf esteem.

A man goes into the doctor’s office and says, “Doctor, I’ve swallowed a watch. What should I do?”
-Take these pills,” says the doctor. “They should help you pass the time.

What did the doctor prescribe to the man who couldn’t stop breaking wind?
– A kite.

A doctor accidentally prescribes his patient a laxative instead of cough syrup. Three days later the patient comes for a check-up and the doctor asks,
-Well? Are you still coughing?” The patient replies, “No, I’m afraid to.”

Patient: “I’m starting to forget things, Doctor.”
-Doctor: “Since when have you had this condition?”
Patient: “What condition?”

Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
-Colin who?
Colin the doctor… I’m sick!

The doctor told his patient to stop using a Q-Tip
– but it went in one ear and out the other.

What’s the best place to hide from a doctor?
-The apple orchard.

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