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Doctor jokes 👨‍⚕️ in 2025

I went to the doctor this morning and said, “I’ve swallowed a golf ball.”
-The doctor said, “Yes, I can see it’s gone down a fairway.”

How many doctors does it take to screw in a lightbulb?.
-One to find a bulb specialist, one to find a bulb installation specialist, and one to bill it all to Medicare.

Does an apple a day keep the doctor away?
– IOnly if you aim it well enough.

Patient: “Doctor, doctor, I feel like a carrot.”
-Doctor: “Don’t get yourself in a stew.”

Why did the rope go to the doctor?
– It had a knot in its stomach.

How do you know your doctor is a vampire?
– He draws your blood from your neck with a straw!

Why did the cookie go to the hospital?
-He was feeling really crumby.

When I told the doctor about my loss of memory
-he made me pay in advance.

I still remember the day the doctor told me I was mute.
-I had no words.

Patient: “Whenever I drink coffee, I have this sharp, excruciating pain.
-Doctor: “Try to remember to remove the spoon from the cup before drinking

Why did the doctor tell the nurses to be quiet when walking past the medicine cabinet?
-So they wouldn’t wake the sleeping pills!

Why did the doctor take a red pen to work?
-In case, she wanted to draw blood!

Who is the coolest doctor in the hospital?
-The hip consultant.

Doctor, I’m hearing a ringing sound?
-Then answer the phone.

Patient: “Doctor, doctor, I’m addicted to brake fluid.”
-Doctor: “Nonsense, man — you can stop anytime.”

Why did the library book go to the doctor?.
-It needed to be checked out.

Doctor, doctor, will I be able to play the violin after the operation?”
“Yes, of course.”
– Great! I never could before!

Where do sick boats go to get healthy?
-To the dock!

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