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Dieting jokes 🥗 in 2024

When you spend 3 hours in line at Jenny Craig to see a weight loss consultant . . .
– You over wait.

The wife told me to go out and get some of those pills that will help me get an erection.
– You should have seen her face when I came back and gave her some diet pills.

Don’t worry about straying from your diet today.
– It’s Tom Brady’s cheat day, too.

DJ Khaled invented a weight loss app
– Everytime you lose a pound, his voice comes on and says “Another one”

What do you call someone who can’t stick with a diet?
– A desserter.

Not to brag, but I finished this 14 day diet…
– in 3 hours and 38 minutes.

Due to health concerns, my doctor recommend I go on a strict vegetarian diet, and practice portion control.
– I am happy to announce that I am down to one vegetarian a day, as they are surprisingly filling.

How do most people curb their appetite?
– At the drive thru window.

Why did the cannibal only eat coma patients?
– The doctor said he needed more vegetables in his diet.

I had to quit my vegetarian diet
– Turns out they’re a lot harder to catch than cows.

Smoking promotes weight loss
..eventually

Did you hear about this year’s newest fad diet coming out of New York and New Jersey?
– The swim-fast diet.

Easily lose weight by cutting these two things out of your diet:
– Breakfast and dinner.
– My dad told me this joke please laugh.

My wife and I started dieting together and we have a combined weight loss of 60 Lbs!
– My wife is down 80 Lbs.

Doctor, I think I’m Bipolar!
– (Why’s That?) Because I hate to get fat but I love to eat

The very spiritual Gandhi walked everywhere, leaving him with impressive calluses. And he ate very little, which made him rather frail. His odd diet also plagued him with bad breath. I guess you could say…..
– That he was a super callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

I wanted to go on a diet…
– But I just have way too much on my plate right now…

What should you never put in an ice cream sundae?
– A Spoon.

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