Chess jokes ♟♞♜ in 2024

Being the first to move in chess.
– It’s a white privilege.

Not to brag, but I defeated our local chess champion yesterday in less than 5 moves.
– Finally my high school karate classes came in useful.

Why can chess Bishops only more diagonally?
– Because north, south, east and west are Cardinal directions.

Chess, the singing parrot
This guy goes into a pet shop looking for a bird. The shopkeeper brings him to a cage and tells him, “You won’t believe what this parrot Chess can do. He’s wonderfully talented, and his songs will blow your mind. Only $10,000.”
“That’s pretty steep,” he replies. “What’s so amazing about these songs?”
“Well, he sings Christmas carols on demand. Watch this, if I hold a match under his left foot…” The shopkeeper lights a match and holds it under the parrots left foot, and it starts singing, “Deck the halls with boughs of holly, fa la la la la…”
“He’s pretty good!” says the man.
That’s not all, if I hold a match under his right foot…”
“Siiiilent niiiggghtt… hooooly niiiiggght” sings the parrot.
“Wow, what a great voice,” remarks the man. “But what if you hold the match between his feet?”
The parrot squawks, “Chess nuts roasting on an open fiiiiirrrre…”

A chess player joined the Mormon Church. One day he wanted to take part in a chess tournament held on a Sunday.
“The heavenly father does not allow this… to play games on Sundays.”, one of the church members said to him.
The chess player left the Mormon Church the following days and never returned.

The first rule of Alzheimers club,
– Is don’t talk about chess club

At the weekend, I like to play chess with elderly men in the park. But it’s becoming increasingly harder..
..to find exactly 32 of them.

A man went to visit a friend and was amazed to find him playing chess with his dog. The man watched the game in astonishment for a while.
“I can hardly believe my eyes!” he said. “That’s the smartest dog I’ve ever seen.”
“He’s not so smart,” the friend replied. “I’ve beaten him three games out of five.”

2 Psychics are playing a game of chess…
– They look at the board and then firmly shake their hands and nod and say “Good Game!”
and leave.

What did the English chav say when he won a game of chess?
– Check m8.

A chess joke: What’s the difference between a rook and a bishop?
– Rooks can only move in straight lines, whereas bishops have sex with kids.

Chess Champion
The reporter asked the reigning chess grandmaster “What do you do before your games ?”
“Well”, said the champ, “I never have sex on the night before a big match”
“Does that help you concentrate? ”
“I’m not sure” he sighed “I don’t have sex any other night either”.

Why is the US bad at chess?
– We have no kings, no queens, and we already lost 2 towers

I went to lunch with a champion chess player.
– It took him 8 minutes to pass me the salt…

Knock, knock.

Who’s there?

Queen.

Queen who?

Queen your room, it’s a mess.

Yeah, I lost to my computer at chess.
– But it turned out to be no match for me at kickboxing.

Bob Seger sits in a park with a tired-eyed old man. He’s learning how to play chess.
After going over the layout and setup of the board, the old man begins a lesson on to the movement of the individual pieces.
Queens move in all directions, any distance. Kings are the same but with only one space. He didn’t understand the knight, though.
Two in one direction, then one to the side.
Hm, funny how the knight moves.

I defeated a chess grand master in three moves.
– I stood up; picked up a chair and hit him with it.