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Calculus Jokes ➗ in 2025

Don’t date a calculus teacher
– They’re gonna replace u

I got arrested for doing calculus drunk.
-The officer told me to never drink and derive.

In high school math class …
-I owned a car and I was good at calculus. They made me the “designated deriver”.

My Calculus teacher told me:”Degrees are essentially useless in this class, we will use radians instead.”
– I replied:”Is that why you’re teaching Calculus?”

What is it called when Fergy argues with his calculus teacher?
-Plus C vs. Ferguson

Someone told me they didn’t like calculus
-I told them their opinion would change over time.

A calculus professor enters a bar, and is arrested an hour later…
-Apparently he was drinking and deriving

Two mathematicians walk into a bar…
and begin to argue about the intelligence of the waitresses. One mathematician gets up, and on his way to the bathroom stops his server. He tells her: “I’ll give you $5 is you answer “one-third x cubed” to the next question I ask you, ok?”
-The server nods, and walks away. When the mathematician returns to his table, he tells his colleague: “I bet you $100 that our server can answer a simple calculus problem.” He then proceeds to flag down the server and asks her, “What is the indefinite integral of x squared?”
She responds, “one-third x cubed.” The man then proceeds to collect his money, only to be interrupted by the server saying “plus a constant.”

Why are pirates the best at calculus?
-Because a true pirate never forgets the C .

What does a math wizard tell the lazy calculus student?
-You! Shall! Not! Pass!

Why did the hippy teach the lumberjack calculus?
-So he’d use natural logs!

What is the value of the contour integral around Western Europe?
-Zero.

When God integrated Planet Earth, he thankfully recalled his Calculus lesson.
– He remembered to add the sea.

My whole family bonded over math. Calculus was our religion. Except my grandfather…
-…he was against integration.

Credit: Matthew Broussard

I hate calculus…
-I sometime wonder why I thought I should SINE up for this.

TIL several states in the South banned calculus from schools in the 1950’s.
-Apparently they opposed integration.

How does a mathematician induce good behavior in her children?
-“I’ve told you n times, I’ve told you n+1 times…”

I had a really good discussion with my calculus professor today
-but after a while, it started going off on a really weird tangent.

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