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Bean jokes in 2025

What do you call a group of trendy beans?
– Cool beans.

People have had enough of me eating beans and drinking Chinese tea without explaining why I’m doing so
“This has been happening for far too long” they said.

“This has been happening for fart oolong”, I replied.

My wife said she found a really good recipe for chili.
She told me that it only calls for 239 beans.

I asked her why such a precise number of beans.

She said because if it had one more it would be too farty.

What’s the difference between a chickpea and a lima bean?
– I’ve never paid to have a lima bean on my chest.

What’s the difference between a kidney bean and a chickpea?
– Politicians won’t pay $500 to have a kidney bean on their face.

What do you call a historical bean?
– Jacobean.

What do you call it after cowboys eat beans at high noon?
A toot-out at the O.K. Corral.

(Don’t be mean. Inspired by my 2 month old.)

What did one bean say to the other?
– How you bean doing.

How do you discipline a coffee bean?
– You ground it.

I met an Irishman who cooked beans and he would just use exactly 239 beans per pot. I asked him, why? He said
– If I added just one more bean, it would be too farty!

What did Hamlet say?
– To bean or not to bean, that is the question.

A young Chinese couple got married.
In the hotel room that evening, the bride blushed demurely: “I am very shy. Please, husband, tell me what to do.”

The husband, a gentle and thoughtful young man said: “Why don’t you tell me what you might like to do?”

The blushing bride hesitated before replying: “Well … husband, uhmm … I would like to try a … try a 69!”

The husband was perplexed! “But, wife! It is our first night together, and you want fried rice, beef and black bean sauce?”

Eating Hummus with my co-workers and I asked
Hey, what’s the difference between a chickpea and a garbanzo bean?

… I’ve never paid $300 to have a garbanzo bean on my face.

What’s the difference between a garbanzo bean and a chickpea?
– I bet you never heard of someone paying $20 to have a garbanzo bean on their face.

What kind of stockings do you need to grow green beans?
– Garden hose.

Did you hear about the guy who invented dip made from garbanzo beans but didn’t get any recognition for it?
– He was honored posthummusly

What happens when you eat too many Navy beans?
– You might end up with a dishonorable discharge.

Why was Jack scared?
– Because Jack was bean stalked

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