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Bean jokes in 2025

My wife said she found a really good recipe for chili.
She told me that it only calls for 239 beans.

I asked her why such a precise number of beans.

She said because if it had one more it would be too farty.

What’s the difference between a chickpea and a lima bean?
– I’ve never paid to have a lima bean on my chest.

What’s the difference between a kidney bean and a chickpea?
– Politicians won’t pay $500 to have a kidney bean on their face.

What do you call a historical bean?
– Jacobean.

What do you call it after cowboys eat beans at high noon?
A toot-out at the O.K. Corral.

(Don’t be mean. Inspired by my 2 month old.)

What did one bean say to the other?
– How you bean doing.

How do you discipline a coffee bean?
– You ground it.

I met an Irishman who cooked beans and he would just use exactly 239 beans per pot. I asked him, why? He said
– If I added just one more bean, it would be too farty!

What did Hamlet say?
– To bean or not to bean, that is the question.

A young Chinese couple got married.
In the hotel room that evening, the bride blushed demurely: “I am very shy. Please, husband, tell me what to do.”

The husband, a gentle and thoughtful young man said: “Why don’t you tell me what you might like to do?”

The blushing bride hesitated before replying: “Well … husband, uhmm … I would like to try a … try a 69!”

The husband was perplexed! “But, wife! It is our first night together, and you want fried rice, beef and black bean sauce?”

Eating Hummus with my co-workers and I asked
Hey, what’s the difference between a chickpea and a garbanzo bean?

… I’ve never paid $300 to have a garbanzo bean on my face.

What’s the difference between a garbanzo bean and a chickpea?
– I bet you never heard of someone paying $20 to have a garbanzo bean on their face.

What kind of stockings do you need to grow green beans?
– Garden hose.

Did you hear about the guy who invented dip made from garbanzo beans but didn’t get any recognition for it?
– He was honored posthummusly

What happens when you eat too many Navy beans?
– You might end up with a dishonorable discharge.

Why was Jack scared?
– Because Jack was bean stalked

What’s the difference between a garbanzo bean and a chickpea?
I’ve never had a garbanzo bean on my face.

Sorry if this is recycled, I just heard it a second ago

Coffee beans must have low self-esteem because they’re always getting roasted!

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