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Bartender jokes 🍹🍸 in 2025

A penguin walks into a bar. The bartender says, “So what will it be this time?”
– The penguin doesn’t answer because it’s a penguin.

Two fat ladies walk into a bar
– They order drinks, in a thick accent.

“You two ladies from Ireland?” asks the bartender.

Offended, one of them replies “Wales!”

“Oh I’m so sorry,” says the bartender, “Are you two whales from Ireland?”

A horse walks into a bar and orders a pint
– The bartender says You know, you’re in here pretty often, do you think you might be an alcoholic?
The horse says I don’t think I am.. and promptly disappears from existence.

See this was a joke about Descarte’s famous philosophy line I think therefore I am but if I had explained that before the rest of the joke I would have been putting Descartes before the horse.

The bartender yelled at me when I left my stool at the bar.
– “Why did you even bring this in here?!?” he cried.

A man walks into an empty bar, except for the bartender.
– He orders a drink. As he sits there, he hears a high-pitched voice say, “That shirt looks great on you!”

What did the sign on the whorehouse say?
– Beat it, we’re closed.

A weasel walks into a bar. The Bartender says, “Wow, I’ve never served a weasel before. What can I get you?”
– “Pop,” goes the weasel.

A horse walks into a bar; the bartender asks, “Hello, do you want a beer?” The horse responds, “I think not,” and promptly disappears.
– Now, admittedly, this joke only makes sense if you are familiar with the French Enlightenment philosopher, Rene Descartes, who famously said, “I think, therefore I am.” The horse thought not, and therefore wasn’t…

But if I had explained that first, I would have been putting Descartes before da horse!

A deaf guy walks into a bar
– The bartender says

A guy walks into a bar and has several beers while he complains to the bartender about his soon-to-be ex-wife.
– “I was a complete idiot when I married her,” the guy laments to the bartender. “Probably,” the bartender agrees. “But I suppose she was in love at the time and didn’t notice right off.”

A man walks into the bar…
– The bartender: “Hi Dave!”

The boss faints.

This is an old joke but my husband told me to never tell it again!
– 3 vampires walk into a bar. The first one orders a Bloody Mary. The second orders a Bloody Mary. The bartender turns to the third and asks a Bloody Mary?

The vampire shakes his head. Hot water for me

Hot water?

I found a tampon out back and want to make tea

I went into a bar and said to the bartender, “Surprise me…
– So he showed me a naked picture of my wife.

A weasel walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Wow I’ve never served a weasel before, what can I get you?”
– “Pop”, goes the weasel.

A blind man walks into a bar
– The bartender says “Oh hey! I haven’t seen you in forever!” The blind man says “same”

An infinite number of mathematicians enter a bar
– The first orders a pint of beer. The second half a pint, the third a quarter ad infinitum. The bartender just pours two pints and says “sort it out yourselves.”

So the bartender asked, why do you have a time machine?-
A time traveller walks into a bar.

A Zebra walks into a pub and asks for a beer.
– The bartender says “Sorry I can’t serve you”
The Zebra asks “Why not?”

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