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Bartender jokes 🍹🍸 in 2025

Two fat ladies walk into a bar
– They order drinks, in a thick accent.

“You two ladies from Ireland?” asks the bartender.

Offended, one of them replies “Wales!”

“Oh I’m so sorry,” says the bartender, “Are you two whales from Ireland?”

A horse walks into a bar and orders a pint
– The bartender says You know, you’re in here pretty often, do you think you might be an alcoholic?
The horse says I don’t think I am.. and promptly disappears from existence.

See this was a joke about Descarte’s famous philosophy line I think therefore I am but if I had explained that before the rest of the joke I would have been putting Descartes before the horse.

A man walks into an empty bar, except for the bartender.
– He orders a drink. As he sits there, he hears a high-pitched voice say, “That shirt looks great on you!”

What did the sign on the whorehouse say?
– Beat it, we’re closed.

A weasel walks into a bar. The Bartender says, “Wow, I’ve never served a weasel before. What can I get you?”
– “Pop,” goes the weasel.

A horse walks into a bar; the bartender asks, “Hello, do you want a beer?” The horse responds, “I think not,” and promptly disappears.
– Now, admittedly, this joke only makes sense if you are familiar with the French Enlightenment philosopher, Rene Descartes, who famously said, “I think, therefore I am.” The horse thought not, and therefore wasn’t…

But if I had explained that first, I would have been putting Descartes before da horse!

A deaf guy walks into a bar
– The bartender says

A guy walks into a bar and has several beers while he complains to the bartender about his soon-to-be ex-wife.
– “I was a complete idiot when I married her,” the guy laments to the bartender. “Probably,” the bartender agrees. “But I suppose she was in love at the time and didn’t notice right off.”

A man walks into the bar…
– The bartender: “Hi Dave!”

The boss faints.

This is an old joke but my husband told me to never tell it again!
– 3 vampires walk into a bar. The first one orders a Bloody Mary. The second orders a Bloody Mary. The bartender turns to the third and asks a Bloody Mary?

The vampire shakes his head. Hot water for me

Hot water?

I found a tampon out back and want to make tea

So the bartender asked, why do you have a time machine?-
A time traveller walks into a bar.

I went into a bar and said to the bartender, “Surprise me…
– So he showed me a naked picture of my wife.

A weasel walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Wow I’ve never served a weasel before, what can I get you?”
– “Pop”, goes the weasel.

A blind man walks into a bar
– The bartender says “Oh hey! I haven’t seen you in forever!” The blind man says “same”

An infinite number of mathematicians enter a bar
– The first orders a pint of beer. The second half a pint, the third a quarter ad infinitum. The bartender just pours two pints and says “sort it out yourselves.”

A Zebra walks into a pub and asks for a beer.
– The bartender says “Sorry I can’t serve you”
The Zebra asks “Why not?”

How do you make Lady Gaga cry?
– Poke-her-face.

An etymologist, an entomologist, and an etiologist walk into a bar.
– “What’ll it be?” The bartender asks.

“I’ll have a beer,” the etymologist says. “A word which comes from Latin *bibere*, meaning “to drink”.

“I’ll have an Americano,” the entomologist says. “It was originally dyed with crushed beetles!”

The bartender gets them their drinks. “And for you, sir?” he asks the third man.

“I’m just wondering how I got here,” the etiologist replies.

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