Bartender jokes 🍹🍸 in 2025

A robot walks into a bar. The bartender asks,
– “What’ll ya have?”

The robot says, “Well, it’s been a long day and I need to loosen up. How about a screwdriver?

A sandwich walks into a bar. The landlord says,
– “Sorry sir, we don’t serve food here.”

A cat walks into a bar.
– The bartender says, “what’ll you have?”
The cat says, “A shot of rum.”
The bartender pours the cat his drink.
The cat slowly pushes the shot off the table.
“Another.”

Two scientists walk into a bar
– I’ll have H20 says the 1st.

I’ll have H20, too says the 2nd.

The bartender doesn’t have a clue what they want because he flunked out of high school, and started working at a bar.

I got a bit too drunk during a date.
– “Um…” she said, embarrassed, “I think you should order a taxi.”

I stumbled up to the bartender and said, “I’d like a taxi, please.”

A woman walks in the bar and asks for double entendre.
– So he gives it to her.

A man holding a large block of asphalt walks into a bar.
– He says to the bartender, “A beer for me, and one for the road.”

A guy walks into a bar…
– He sees 2 steaks nailed to the ceiling. He asks the bartender, “What’s up with those two steaks?”
The bartender replies,
“if you can jump up and take those two steaks from the ceiling, I’ll give you $1,000,000, if not, I’ll cut your arms off.”
The guy then replies,
“I won’t do it, the stakes are too high.”

– Confused, he asks the bartender why this is.

An Australian, and Irishman and a Brit were sitting in a bar. There was only one other person in the bar. The three men kept looking at this other man, for he seemed terribly familiar. They stared and stared, wondering where they had seen him before when suddenly the Irishman cried out:
– My God! I know who that man is – it’s Jesus!” The others looked again, and sure enough, it was Jesus himself, sitting alone at a table.

A neutron walks into a bar and orders a drink. When the neutron gets his drink, he asks,
– “Bartender, how much do I owe you?” The bartender replies, “For you, neutron, no charge.”

A panda walks into a bar…
– And eats some beer nuts, he then pulls out a gun fires it in the air heads for the door. “Hey!” shouts the bartender and the panda yells back “I’m a panda google me” and sure enough ‘panda: a tree climbing mammal with distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves.’

The D.J. at a wedding reception yelled, “Would all the married men please stand next to the one person who has made your life worth living.”
– The bartender was almost crushed to death.

Why did Eminem get fired from his job as a bartender?
– He kept telling people “You only get one shot”

I want to be a bartender.
– Men named Bart watch out

A horse walks into a bar. The shocked bartender points a finger his way in alarm and yells,
– “Hey!”The horse says, “You read my mind, buddy.”

An underage weasel walks into a bar.
– The bartender says, “I’m sorry. I can’t serve underage weasels.”

The weasel says, “That’s fine. I don’t need something alcoholic. What else do you have?”

The bartender says “Oh, we have lots! We have water, pop, tea, coffee, smoothies. What would you like?”

“Pop,” goes the weasel.

A new law
– Two guys walk into a bar and order lunch. “What brings you guys in today?” the bartender asks. “I guess you haven’t heard yet. The mayor passed a law yesterday to try to help out local restaurants during Covid-19. All adult males are required to go and eat lunch out with their best male friends at least once a week,” one of the guys answers the bartender. “Well it’s not a law really,” the other guy corrects him. “It’s more of a mandate.”