Bartender jokes 🍹🍸 in 2025

An infinite number of mathematicians enter a bar
– The first orders a pint of beer. The second half a pint, the third a quarter ad infinitum. The bartender just pours two pints and says “sort it out yourselves.”

E-flat walks into a bar. The bartender says,
– “Sorry, we don’t serve minors.”

A Russian spy, a sexual predator and a billionaire walk into a bar
– Bartender says “What can I get you Mr. President?”

A horse walks into a bar and orders a pint
– The bartender says You know, you’re in here pretty often, do you think you might be an alcoholic?
The horse says I don’t think I am.. and promptly disappears from existence.

See this was a joke about Descarte’s famous philosophy line I think therefore I am but if I had explained that before the rest of the joke I would have been putting Descartes before the horse.

A man walks into a bar and orders ten shots of whiskey.
– The bartender asks what is the occasion.

The man replies ‘his first blowjob’

The bartender congrats him and offers to buy him another shot

The man says that is unnecessary, if ten shots doesn’t get the taste out of his mouth, one more won’t make a difference.

Rene Descartes walks into a bar. The bartender asks “Are you having beer?”
– He replies “i think not.” And instantly disappears.

A pirate wearing a paper towel on his head walks into a bar. The bartender asks “What’s with the paper towel?”
– The pirate says “Arrr matey, I have a bounty on me head!”

Three fonts walk into a bar.
– The bartender looks up andsays, “We don’t serve your type in here.”

A guy walks into the bar and looks the bartender in the eye and says “I need 10 shots”
–
The bartender lays them out and the man takes all 10 shots back to back.

In shock the bartender says, “I’ve never seen anyone drink like that before.”

The man replies, “You’d drink like that too if you had what I had.”

Sounding concerned, the bartender asks “Oh I’m sorry to hear that, what do you have?”

Man quickly says “2 bucks” and ran out of the bar.

A drunk man
– A drunk man stumbles out of bar and runs into 2 priest. The drunk man looks at the 1st priest and says,

“Hey, I’m Jesus Christ.”

The 1st priest tells the man, “No, my son, you’re not.”

Then the man turns to the 2nd priest and says the same thing. “Hey, I’m Jesus Christ.”

The 2nd priest tells the man, “No, my son, you’re not.”

The drunk man tells the priests that he can prove it. So he takes the 2 priests into the bar and the bartender says,

“Jesus Christ. You’re back again?”

I asked my bartender if he had ever tried putting sliced oranges in a beer.
– He replied, “Once in a blue moon.”

C, E flat and G walk into a bar.
– They ask the bartender for a drink. The bartender says, “Sorry we don’t serve minors here”. E flat walks out while C and G have a fifth between the two of them.

The second scientist says, “I’ll have an H2O too.” The second scientist died .

A man walks into a bar with a newt on his shoulder.
– He asks for a coke and a mango juice for his newt Tiny.

The bartender asks Why is he called Tiny?

And the man replies Because he’s my newt!

Pick a super power
– A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer and starts chatting the bartender up. “If you could have any superpower which one would you want?” he asks the bartender. “Cold war Russia, I guess,” the bartender replies.

A guy says to the bartender “Give me something tall, cold and full of gin.”

So a five-dollar bill walks into a bar, and the bartender says,
– “Hey. This is a singles bar.”

Snake walks into a bar.
– And the bartender says ”How did you do that?”